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garden_pixie2 nights ago was a dream about how it was with S. Of course this was compressed into an evening of dreams. I was remembering the quality that was there where he was mean. It was striking how not himself he was. Impatient, looking for fault. Exacting. We never had that dynamic pre accident. But I would be trying to reach out and help and he would look for fault in it, withdraw from me. I remember this from the era itself and realized how heartbreaking it was. It is not lost on me that I really did reach out to him. I tried to be there for him. In my dream I realize that he pushed me away, likely from having a traumatic brain injury. It helps that J-Bird told me that before he went into his final surgery that he isn't mad at me anymore. But for now, my own heart is struggling with the before person, the after person and the rawness of my heart because of it.
The dream highlighted how my inability to reach him was either entirely in his grasp and he choose not to, or it was out of his grasp and he was unable. Either way is out of my sphere of influence.
I admit, I am not certain that I am even ready for a relationship right now. I'm here with Jason and grateful for him, but my heart is smarting and sad.
Even 2 years later.
Grief certainly seems to be on no timetable to exit the scene. I actually did try to date someone, but I admit I am spoiled by Jason and Shon. Each in their own way, thoughtful, kind, considerate, and the true noble heart. Dating other people feels like a lesser world.
Shifting thoughts here:
The other person I briefly dated, while cute and interesting to talk to, was so idea oriented and there was a loss of connection. And he wouldn't respond for days at a time to text messages and then say that he was busy. If you are looking to have a relationship, that isn't a good foundation.
So while I am sad that it didn't work out, there is a strong part of myself that is relieved. I sometimes think that the emotional bids for closeness are hard for people to accept and the other sort of wanders around until they feel like connecting again. But there is not fostering of closeness that comes with the intentional cultivation.
I'm out gardening again, which had been on hold for a long time. At least 3 years. The quietness is good for me.
The focus on clearing the beds is good for my attention while I mull through the losses on my plate.
My astrologer told me it was going to be a rough couple of years. Boy did she understate that.
My dear Shon, my beloved priest and lover, I miss former you... our cuddles, our walks, the way that you would chant and I would put my head on your chest and listen.
I'm so sad about our distance that came after your accident and our inability to bridge that even up to your passing. But dear one, I tried everything I knew how to do. Sometimes certain obstacles cannot be crossed, and that is something I have to accept. Somehow. Please forgive me for not figuring it out. And please know that if I would have figured it out I would have tried it with my whole being. Our yard is beautiful and I am redoing the cairn and the grove. And I went on my first road trip by myself without you. I went to Silver Falls with the puppy you have never met but would have connected to so strongly.
I cried in the car as I passed things we passed along the way.
I miss you dear one. I don't miss the after accident difficulties, but I do miss our connection that we fostered together. I'm afraid it will never happen again, but honestly I am certain that I will figure out hope around this. There will be someone who wants to have deep conversations and study the Mesnavi with me, and will experiment with cooking and want to go on adventures to parts as yet unseen or even unknown!
The dream highlighted how my inability to reach him was either entirely in his grasp and he choose not to, or it was out of his grasp and he was unable. Either way is out of my sphere of influence.
I admit, I am not certain that I am even ready for a relationship right now. I'm here with Jason and grateful for him, but my heart is smarting and sad.
Even 2 years later.
Grief certainly seems to be on no timetable to exit the scene. I actually did try to date someone, but I admit I am spoiled by Jason and Shon. Each in their own way, thoughtful, kind, considerate, and the true noble heart. Dating other people feels like a lesser world.
Shifting thoughts here:
The other person I briefly dated, while cute and interesting to talk to, was so idea oriented and there was a loss of connection. And he wouldn't respond for days at a time to text messages and then say that he was busy. If you are looking to have a relationship, that isn't a good foundation.
So while I am sad that it didn't work out, there is a strong part of myself that is relieved. I sometimes think that the emotional bids for closeness are hard for people to accept and the other sort of wanders around until they feel like connecting again. But there is not fostering of closeness that comes with the intentional cultivation.
I'm out gardening again, which had been on hold for a long time. At least 3 years. The quietness is good for me.
The focus on clearing the beds is good for my attention while I mull through the losses on my plate.
My astrologer told me it was going to be a rough couple of years. Boy did she understate that.
My dear Shon, my beloved priest and lover, I miss former you... our cuddles, our walks, the way that you would chant and I would put my head on your chest and listen.
I'm so sad about our distance that came after your accident and our inability to bridge that even up to your passing. But dear one, I tried everything I knew how to do. Sometimes certain obstacles cannot be crossed, and that is something I have to accept. Somehow. Please forgive me for not figuring it out. And please know that if I would have figured it out I would have tried it with my whole being. Our yard is beautiful and I am redoing the cairn and the grove. And I went on my first road trip by myself without you. I went to Silver Falls with the puppy you have never met but would have connected to so strongly.
I cried in the car as I passed things we passed along the way.
I miss you dear one. I don't miss the after accident difficulties, but I do miss our connection that we fostered together. I'm afraid it will never happen again, but honestly I am certain that I will figure out hope around this. There will be someone who wants to have deep conversations and study the Mesnavi with me, and will experiment with cooking and want to go on adventures to parts as yet unseen or even unknown!
