Circle Around like the Moth

Fie... plans are messed up!

Tue, 07 May 2019 22:41:22 GMT

Sometimes your plans do not work out.

Today I had plans to go to the gym during lunch.
I clocked out, changed clothes and couldn't find: my bag, my keys, etc. By the time I found the keys, I was halfway into my lunch time which is only an hour and there wasn't time.

I missed heading out of the house today. It's spring and I really crave being outside, but I am also trying to be very good about my diet and self care. I was trying to imagine what I might make for dinner later today and the answer came up nada... so, I pulled up my big girl panties and did made lunches/dinners for the next 2 days.

When I was making lunches (Chicken Alfredo) I wanted to be very careful to not overcook the broccoli. So, I just left it out. Sauce, chicken, garlic and then fend for yourself at the time of reheating.
Normally I would just cook it all together but mushy broccoli is uber nasty.

The upside to today: I slept in... fiercely. It felt amazing.

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Dreams - about S and our life - post accident

Sun, 05 May 2019 20:24:21 GMT

2 nights ago was a dream about how it was with S. Of course this was compressed into an evening of dreams. I was remembering the quality that was there where he was mean. It was striking how not himself he was. Impatient, looking for fault. Exacting. We never had that dynamic pre accident. But I would be trying to reach out and help and he would look for fault in it, withdraw from me. I remember this from the era itself and realized how heartbreaking it was. It is not lost on me that I really did reach out to him. I tried to be there for him. In my dream I realize that he pushed me away, likely from having a traumatic brain injury. It helps that J-Bird told me that before he went into his final surgery that he isn't mad at me anymore. But for now, my own heart is struggling with the before person, the after person and the rawness of my heart because of it.

The dream highlighted how my inability to reach him was either entirely in his grasp and he choose not to, or it was out of his grasp and he was unable. Either way is out of my sphere of influence.

I admit, I am not certain that I am even ready for a relationship right now. I'm here with Jason and grateful for him, but my heart is smarting and sad.

Even 2 years later.

Grief certainly seems to be on no timetable to exit the scene. I actually did try to date someone, but I admit I am spoiled by Jason and Shon. Each in their own way, thoughtful, kind, considerate, and the true noble heart. Dating other people feels like a lesser world.

Shifting thoughts here:

The other person I briefly dated, while cute and interesting to talk to, was so idea oriented and there was a loss of connection. And he wouldn't respond for days at a time to text messages and then say that he was busy. If you are looking to have a relationship, that isn't a good foundation.

So while I am sad that it didn't work out, there is a strong part of myself that is relieved. I sometimes think that the emotional bids for closeness are hard for people to accept and the other sort of wanders around until they feel like connecting again. But there is not fostering of closeness that comes with the intentional cultivation.

I'm out gardening again, which had been on hold for a long time. At least 3 years. The quietness is good for me.
The focus on clearing the beds is good for my attention while I mull through the losses on my plate.

My astrologer told me it was going to be a rough couple of years. Boy did she understate that.

My dear Shon, my beloved priest and lover, I miss former you... our cuddles, our walks, the way that you would chant and I would put my head on your chest and listen.
I'm so sad about our distance that came after your accident and our inability to bridge that even up to your passing. But dear one, I tried everything I knew how to do. Sometimes certain obstacles cannot be crossed, and that is something I have to accept. Somehow. Please forgive me for not figuring it out. And please know that if I would have figured it out I would have tried it with my whole being. Our yard is beautiful and I am redoing the cairn and the grove. And I went on my first road trip by myself without you. I went to Silver Falls with the puppy you have never met but would have connected to so strongly.

I cried in the car as I passed things we passed along the way.

I miss you dear one. I don't miss the after accident difficulties, but I do miss our connection that we fostered together. I'm afraid it will never happen again, but honestly I am certain that I will figure out hope around this. There will be someone who wants to have deep conversations and study the Mesnavi with me, and will experiment with cooking and want to go on adventures to parts as yet unseen or even unknown!

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My road "into the woods"

Tue, 23 Apr 2019 18:18:03 GMT

I am wondering how far back this whole process goes?

This morning I woke up wondering if I still wanted to be a pastor. A PASTOR? Really?????
I find myself in love with the Abrahamic scriptures. I really do... they reach out and nurture me. Just this morning I was thinking about the section in Psalm 23 and the line, "He/She prepares a table in the presence of my enemies." What this reminds me of is that in the midst of the struggle, we should nurture ourselves and feed ourselves in the midst of crisis.

What I miss in my road in Islam is the study of the Christian scripture.

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Visions for Rookhaven Gardens

Mon, 22 Apr 2019 19:09:12 GMT

I found a few gardening shows on Netflix. I spent the afternoon watching people transform their backyards into an Oasis. This of course being my goal!

It was very interesting to hear the suggestions on how to plant the roses, on how to stuff plants into rock walls correctly or watching normal people create a water feature. These people are working so hard, but the inspiration was the fact that they actually did it. Their recreated yard was amazing.

It made me ask myself what my yard wanted to be. Some people had themes(Norwegian) or Japanese. Another guy just wanted to have something for everyone in his yard. There was the standard "battle" over keeping the shed in the yard. Of course these are all things I have had experience with myself, so I found myself giggling.

My own vision for the garden has been migrating over the years. At first I wanted it to be food on the land, growing our own vegetables, etc. But given that I cannot eat them, it did't make sense anymore.
So now the goal is beautiful oasis that is relaxing. A place you could have a garden party with your best mates. Flower beds to get cut flowers for the kitchen!

I have been enjoying working on the design for the grove in the back!

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House is being updated!

Tue, 08 Jan 2019 18:19:55 GMT

This week has been some changes that I have waited for, literally, for YEARS!

We have trim, flooring upstairs, doors for the closets and paint! I feel this weight just rolling off of me like giggles. My father had been working on this before, but he was retired and disabled and it got to be too much for him to finish. Not having money to pay someone else meant pretty much it sat unfinished.

I have two amazing men who are finishers coming in and fixing what needs to be fixed. They are so good at fixing these little problems all over the place. And having had them do work for me before, I trust them implicitly.

So, this weekend I can move my desk over to next to the window, which will be good for my Winter psyche. And the house should be painted next week.

THRILLED!

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The anniversary of Shon's passing is here...

Tue, 08 Jan 2019 00:51:07 GMT

The anniversary of Shon's passing is coming up here in a month. Grief is a funny thing. It's like a rock in your heart that is bouncing on a river. Sometimes it's submerged, but still rolling around. Sometimes it bumps into you and you realize that you are hurting.

I decided to see a grief counselor. It is so hard for me to go to places that I love because I associate them with him. Like when I go to my spiritual circle, we just work on what we do, and we don't talk about him. Not because it's taboo but because the place is for other things. But I starkly am aware of his missing presence there. This has lead to a form of spiritual starvation for me since my religious path is what holds stability for me and keeps me from losing hope.

Same with other parts of my life that I love and cherish. I am looking for a return of true laughter. Health of my spirit and body. I always feel like I am carrying the weight of this loss in my chest and like a bag that is too heavy it affects me. Shon was an intimate part of my daily life for better and for worse for 13 years, and while I think that heaven is a better place than here, my time right now is for this world.

There are no avenues in our culture to talk about loss. Just "reclaiming" and "power" and "joy" and all that. But to quote the Mahabharata, "We live amongst death everyday, yet we live as if we are immortal." I feel like I live with death everyday, and I feel like it is invisible to people around me. It makes it hard to breathe sometimes. The anniversary of his death has been finding itself in my psyche, with all the complicated grief that comes with it. I just can't pretend like it didn't happen, or that I don't care, or that I have moved on. I realize too that no one is asking me to. It's just the status of the culture I live in.

Rush Rush, Do More. Avoid all discomfort.

I don't think I can. And frankly, maybe I shouldn't either.

Just fodder for the fire.

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Journal Entry 2 Tian Zhu "Celestial Pillar"

Wed, 02 Jan 2019 01:15:32 GMT

Today is Day 2 of my Celestial Pillar practice.

I started with the Self Massage practice.
I have this memorized for the most part, but on occasion I have to remind myself small details like if the brushing of the arms goes up the outside of the arm first or the inside of the arm! So, I look at that because I would like to practice it correctly, and, as I understand it, this is how the qi flows in the body.

Today I worked on Routine I, II, III, IV and V.
The breath is starting to resonate again. There is a quality of energy I can tangibly feel when I do Tai Chi and QiGong and the Kabbalistic energy work that Jacobus is teaching me.

So we have:

3rd eye
Top of the head
Eyebrows
Lungs
Liver
Kidneys

This is about boosting your Upright Yang Qi (or Zheng Qi). Yin Qi is the body, Yang Qi is our energetic animation. I am working on this practice because I have noticed that my body is suffering. My acupucurist told me that my kidney qi is leaking. This means that I am dipping into my pre natal qi and this is how you become sick. So this practice, which I am doing in the mornings should help bolster my energy of my body.

If I check in about my body, I have noticed depression, tiredness, regular headaches and difficult periods. My pouch and my bladder are also very sensitive.

Because of this, I have changed my diet BACK to the Taoist diet (which cleared a lot of this up) and then my idea around this is to limit my grains to whole grains, eat a small amount of poultry and fish, and to be deliberate in my walking and Qigong. If I can, I might see if I can swing a Tai Qi class at the local Shaolin Center on Powell. This would be ideal but also require me to bus it over there before work and then bus it to work after that. And, since I work such long days, sleep can be better.

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Journal Entry 1 Tian Zhu "Celestial Pillar"

Mon, 31 Dec 2018 02:45:49 GMT

First day of my 100 days of QiGong.

This morning I sat down and went through the preparatory energetic clearing and prepping.

This meant: 5 minutes of silent breathing.
Then the process of clearing the meridians and the pathways through tapping or slapping or breathing.
The Yin channel clearing felt the most deeply satisfying.

Then I started with Routine I and Routine II.
R I Activates the spirit of the Celestial Pillar and synced the 1st and 2nd brains together: AKA your stomach and your brain.

RII works with the gall bladder channel which is your decision maker. This helps my self to make quick decisions.

There there is the action with the thumbs with activates the Yang Qi. If you have too much Yang Qi in your body, you become angry and it steals energy from your heart which is hard on your body: See Heart attacks and rage.

So I am starting this process of eating seasonally, eating organically as a matter of conscious choice and doing this as a dimension of intentional self care. After my dreams, I am thinking that I need to be more deliberate in this and not wait for a good time.

My Autoimmune has kicked up in the last few months and I think this is due to me trying to lose some weight using a paleo diet. I am going to have to manage the weight some other way. Or, live with it. The colitis is far worse than the public shame of weighing 225 lbs.

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Portling from LJ.

Sun, 30 Dec 2018 23:54:56 GMT

Just imported my journal from LiveJournal.
I hadn't been over there in a while and had been looking for a good blogger for me.
The Russian laws are bugging me.
So, porting over here!

Thanks friends!

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